I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
