I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
