Sry I called you an 8
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
