Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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