I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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