it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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