when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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