I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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