Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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