My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
where are you?
Hypothermia
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Boobs speak an international language.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
