You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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