I cannot find my penis.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
