I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
