I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
