He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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