Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
We need a shit load of segways right now
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
