nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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