Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
