There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Is it penis luge time yet?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
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