Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
