The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
