I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
