i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
