i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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