so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
