I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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