if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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