I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
