dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
These tits shall not be calmed
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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