she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
