YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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