i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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