I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
