I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
How does one acquire holy water?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
