Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
