I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
My room smells like vodka and shame
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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