So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
