grandma shit on top of the toilet
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
