my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
