You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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