I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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