i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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