you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
