just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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