you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
i think we sleep fucked last night...
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
