Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
