Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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