Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
