Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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