put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
