i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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