I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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