dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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