Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Acid is not a monday night drug
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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