I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
