So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
