We won't sleep together?
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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