I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
