Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Semen is not good for contacts.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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